How To Stop Feeling Guilty When You Set Boundaries
If you're a female entrepreneur who struggles to set boundaries without feeling guilty, you're not alone. You know you need to stop saying yes by default and protect your time, but every time you set a boundary—with clients, family, or colleagues—the guilt spiral starts.
In this Q&A episode, I'm breaking down why women entrepreneurs struggle with boundary guilt, the four types of guilt high-achieving women face (including the ego-driven one nobody talks about), and five practical strategies to set boundaries as a female entrepreneur without the spiral.
These lessons come straight from what I teach inside Chaos Detox—because sustainable productivity starts with mind management before time management.
In this episode, you'll learn:
Why boundary guilt doesn't mean you're doing something wrong as a female entrepreneur
The 4 types of boundary guilt high-achieving women deal with and how to recognize them (00:03:27)
How to set boundaries as a female entrepreneur without feeling selfish or mean
The "guilt-free no" scripts you can use with clients, family, and colleagues (00:10:00)
How to set boundaries and protect your energy without people-pleasing (00:11:15)
Why celebrating small boundary wins helps female entrepreneurs build confidence (00:11:58)
The permission you're waiting for to set boundaries and put yourself first (00:12:28)
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Full Episode Transcript
(38) Q+A: How To Stop Feeling Guilty When You Set Boundaries
[00:00:00] You know, you need to stop saying yes by default and create more boundaries with people. So why does it feel so awful every time you do? Welcome to Ditch the Chaos. I'm Cara Chace, and this is your space to figure out how to run your life and business without running yourself into the ground. Today I'm answering a question I get all the time.
[00:00:22] How do you stop feeling guilty when you set boundaries?
[00:00:26] So here's the question. From a productivity rebellion subscriber, word for word, how do I stop feeling guilty? Every time I say no, I know I need boundaries, but every time I set one, I feel like I'm letting someone down or being selfish. How do you deal with the guilt if that question hit you hard, you're not alone.
[00:00:47] This is the gap I see constantly with high achieving women. You know what you're supposed to do. Set boundaries. Say no, protect your time. You've read the books, you've listened to the podcasts. Maybe you're even [00:01:00] one of my clients. You know, boundaries are important, but knowing and doing are two completely different things because every time you try to set a boundary, the guilt shows up.
[00:01:10] Or maybe it's the habits you learn from watching your own mother. And it's not just a little uncomfortable feeling you can push through. It's this heavy, awful, anxious sensation that makes you wanna take it back immediately.
[00:01:23] Maybe I can squeeze it in. I'll figure it out. I don't want them to think I'm selfish. So you say yes again, and then you resent everyone for asking and yourself for saying yes. If this sounds familiar, let's talk about why this happens and what you can actually do about it.
[00:01:40] So here's the first thing you need to understand. Boundary guilt doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.
[00:01:46] Let me say that again. For the people in the back, boundary guilt doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Guilt when you set a boundary is not evidence that you're being selfish or letting people down. It's evidence that you're changing a pattern and your [00:02:00] nervous system doesn't like it. Think about it, for how long have you been the person who says yes?
[00:02:06] Who shows up? Who handles it? When things fall apart, who's everyone's backup plan years? Probably maybe your whole life you've trained the people around you, your clients, your family, your friends, to expect that you'll say yes, that you'll figure it out, that you are available. And the truth is you've trained yourself too.
[00:02:27] Somewhere along the way, you internalize the belief that being a good person or a capable adult means being available, that your worth is tied to how much you can handle that saying no makes you selfish or lazy, or not committed enough. So when you finally try to set a boundary, your nervous system freaks out, wait, we don't do this.
[00:02:47] This isn't safe. People are gonna be upset. They're gonna think we're a bad person. Abort. Abort. That is the guilt talking, and it feels terrible because your brain is genuinely trying to protect [00:03:00] you from a perceived threat. But here's what you need to hear. Resentment is way worse than disappointment.
[00:03:08] When you say yes out of guilt, you're not actually being kind or generous. You're building resentment. You're teaching people that your boundaries don't matter. And you're reinforcing the pattern that keeps you exhausted. So the guilt is not the problem. The problem is believing the guilt means you're doing something wrong.
[00:03:27] Okay, so let's break down the four types of boundary guilt you're probably dealing with. Because once you can name them, you can start to make small changes to dismantle them. Type number one is the disappointing people, guilt. This is the, they're going to be upset with me. Guilt. You say no to something and immediately your brain spirals.
[00:03:48] They're gonna be disappointed, they're gonna be mad, they're gonna think less of me. Maybe I should just say yes. Here's the truth. Most people won't tell you they might be disappointed, and that's [00:04:00] okay. You can't control how people respond to your boundaries. Most of the time, people handle it way better than you think they will.
[00:04:07] Last year I had a project-based client that I was doing a ton of work for. We were redoing their entire branding and marketing, plus all of their backend systems. I knew the project would probably go over our estimated completion date at the end of November.
[00:04:21] Yeah, every year I take the last two weeks of December off to be completely unplugged, spend time with my family, and do a digital detox. I was nervous that having a hard boundary with that client who I hadn't worked with before, would not be received well after they got over the initial shock and awe that I really do unplug.
[00:04:40] For the last two weeks of the year, they were on board and we finished everything before my hard deadline. The communication was open and the self-inflicted anxiety wasn't necessary. The disappointing people. Guilt is almost always worse in your head than in reality. Okay? Type number two is the letting them [00:05:00] down.
[00:05:00] Guilt. This is the, but they need me guilt. This one's sneaky because it feels noble. You're not just worried about disappointing them. You genuinely believe they can't handle it without you, that you're the only one who can do this. And saying, no leaves them stranded. But here's what I've learned. Your presence in every situation isn't actually helping them.
[00:05:23] When you're always the backup plan, you're not just exhausting yourself, you're robbing other people of the opportunity to figure it out. They need to step up to solve their own problems. I see this with clients all the time. They're convinced their business will fall apart if they're not available 24 7, and then they take a vacation or get forced into rest by burnout.
[00:05:43] And guess what? Everything keeps running. Saying no to them is saying yes to yourself. And that's not selfish. It's necessary. Type number three is the ego guilt. This is the one nobody really wants to admit. It's the I like being needed [00:06:00] guilt. And here's what it looks like.
[00:06:02] You complain about being everyone's go-to person. You're exhausted from always being the one people call when things fall apart. You resent it. But deep down, there's a part of you that actually likes it. Being the person everyone relies on feels good. It feeds your ego. It proves you're capable, important, indispensable, and if you say no, then who are you?
[00:06:25] Just another person who can't handle it all. This guilt is tricky because it masquerades as martyrdom. You tell yourself you're sacrificing for others, but really you're protecting your own identity as the one who can handle everything. And here's the uncomfortable truth. If you set a boundary and people stop asking you for help, you might feel relief, but you also might feel a little lost.
[00:06:50] So you keep saying yes, not because they need you, but because you need to feel needed. And if this is resonating uncomfortably right now, that's okay. [00:07:00] It means you're probably onto something that you can fix. And the fix isn't to beat yourself up about it. It's to get honest about where your worth is actually coming from.
[00:07:09] Because being the go-to person will eventually burn you out, and then you won't be available anyway. And finally, type four is the selfish, bad person guilt. This is a big one. This is the good people. Don't say no guilt. This is where you've internalized the belief that self-sacrifice is a virtue, that if you're not constantly giving and available and putting everyone else first, you're a bad person.
[00:07:36] So let me be super clear. Self-sacrifice is not a virtue when it leads to burnout. Boundary setting is not selfish. It's self-respect. You are allowed to prioritize yourself. You are allowed to protect your time and energy. You are allowed to say, this doesn't work for me without justifying or explaining or apologizing.
[00:07:58] If that makes you guilty, [00:08:00] that's conditioning not the real truth. Okay, so now you understand why the guilt shows up. Now what? How do you actually deal with it? There are five strategies that have worked for me and the woman that I coach. Strategy number one is to expect the guilt and do it anyway. This is the most important one, so I'm putting it first.
[00:08:22] You can't wait until you don't feel guilty to set a boundary. In fact, if you're waiting for guilt-free boundaries, you're gonna be waiting forever, especially at the beginning. The way through is to say, I know I'm gonna feel guilty, and I'm still gonna say no. Both things can be true. At the same time, you can feel the guilt and still honor your boundary.
[00:08:43] The guilt will lessen over time as you build the new pattern, but you have to do the thing first. The feeling follows the action, not the other way around. Strategy number two is to remind yourself the cost of yes. Yeah. Every time you say yes to something you [00:09:00] don't actually want to do, you're saying no to something else you probably really want to do.
[00:09:05] So when the guilt shows up, ask yourself, what am I sacrificing by saying yes to this? Is it time with your kids, your rest, your business priorities, your sanity? I've had a client based business for years, and there are many lessons I've learned about what not to do with client boundaries. They all usually involve agreeing to over deliver.
[00:09:25] Or provide services I don't typically do, and every time that leads to not enough bandwidth, missed family time and resentment. The yes that crumbles my boundaries always cost me way more than the guilt of saying no. When you get clear on the real cost of saying yes, the guilt of saying no suddenly gets a lot easier to handle.
[00:09:46] Strategy number three is to practice the guilt-free. No script. One of the reasons saying no feels so hard is because we think we have to explain and justify and soften it. You [00:10:00] don't. There are three responses you can use and they're all complete sentences. That doesn't work for me. I don't have the capacity for that right now.
[00:10:11] I'm not available. That's it. Full stop. No explanation needed. You can soften it with phrases like, thanks for thinking of me, but, but you don't really have to. The more you explain, the more you're inviting negotiation, the more you apologize, the more you're signaling that your boundary is up for debate practice saying no without the cushion.
[00:10:33] It will feel wildly uncomfortable at first. Do it anyway. Now, if you're thinking, okay, Cara, but what else can I say? I need more options. I hear you. Okay. Inside my course, chaos Detox, there's an entire lesson dedicated to setting boundaries, and it includes scripts for different situations, client boundaries, family boundaries, time boundaries, all written out so you're not scrambling for words when someone puts you on the spot.
[00:10:58] Because protecting your time and [00:11:00] energy requires having the words you need ready to use. Strategy number four is to get comfortable with disappointing people. This is another really hard one, especially for type A high achievers, but it's also the most freeing.
[00:11:15] You cannot control how people respond to your boundaries. You just can't. Some people will be fine. Some people will be disappointed. Some people will push back or try to guilt you into changing your mind, and here's what I need you to hear. Their disappointment does not mean you did something wrong. You are allowed to prioritize yourself, even if it disappoints someone else.
[00:11:38] The people who matter, the people who actually respect and love you will honor your boundaries. And the ones who don't. That's information about the relationship, not about your worth. And finally, strategy number five, celebrate the boundaries that stick. This might sound silly, but I'm serious. Every time you set a boundary and don't cave, that's a win.
[00:11:58] Celebrate it. [00:12:00] Keep a running list if you need to. I said no to the PTA volunteer this week, and I didn't feel guilty, or I told my client their project had to wait until next month and they were fine with it. Build evidence that boundaries improve your life because they do.
[00:12:16] I promise you'll have more energy. You'll resent people less. You'll actually have capacity for the things that matter, but you have to notice and acknowledge those wins, or your brain will just keep focusing on the guilt.
[00:12:28] Okay. Let's start wrapping this up with one final thought I have for you. Here's what I think is really happening. When you ask, how do I stop feeling guilty? You're waiting for permission. Permission to care about yourself as much as you care about everyone else.
[00:12:43] Permission to say no without being a bad person. Permission to protect your time and energy without feeling selfish. So here it is from me to you. You are allowed to protect your time. You are allowed to be unavailable. You are [00:13:00] allowed to prioritize your rest. You are allowed to say no without guilt. You don't need to earn the right to send boundaries by running yourself into the ground.
[00:13:10] You don't need to wait until you're in full burnout to finally protect your capacity. You can start now today, this week. And yes, it's going to feel uncomfortable. The guilt will show up. People might be disappointed. Do it anyway. Because the alternative, saying yes out of guilt and building resentment is so much worse.
[00:13:32] The people who matter will respect your boundaries and the ones who don't tells you everything. So what do you do with all of this? It's heavy. It's a lot. I'm gonna make this really simple with you, with our reset and reclaim action step for the week. Practice setting. One boundary this week that you've been avoiding because of guilt.
[00:13:51] It could be telling your family you're unavailable after 8:00 PM telling a client their project has to wait until next month. Telling the school [00:14:00] volunteer coordinator, you can't help this year telling your partner you need Sunday mornings completely to yourself. Say it clearly. Don't overexplain, don't apologize.
[00:14:10] And notice what happens. The guilt will show up. I promise you. It's normal. It's expected. It's part of the process. Your job is to feel the guilt and honor the boundary anyway. That's how you teach your nervous system, that you're safe even when you disappoint people. It's how you build the muscle of saying no without caving one boundary.
[00:14:31] This week you've got this.
[00:14:34] If boundary setting feels just so impossible Right now, I wanna invite you to join the Productivity Rebellion. It's my free monthly guide for women who refuse to choose between success and sanity. Once a month, you'll get one strategy that actually fits your real chaotic life behind the scenes.
[00:14:52] Stories from my month, not Instagram. Perfect advice and the chance to ask me anything. I answer subscriber questions, just like this [00:15:00] one on the show. Think of it as your monthly reset when you are tired of holding everything together with duct tape and coffee. You can sign up for free at carachace.com/productivity-rebellion.
[00:15:12] And ps. If you're ready to actually protect the time and energy you are learning to set boundaries around. Check out Chaos Detox. It includes an entire lesson on setting boundaries with scripts you can actually use, so you're not scrambling for words when someone asks for your time. Because knowing you need boundaries and having the words to set them are two very different things.
[00:15:32] Learn more at carachace.com/chaos-detox. Thanks so much for listening. If this helped you, please leave a review and share it with a friend who needs permission to say no. I'm Cara Chace reminding you to keep questioning the rules and making your own.
